Veggie Dogs
By amy • • Aug 9th, 2009 • Category: Columns, Prepared Foods
Hark! Catch those snaps and snarls? The sounds you are hearing are howls of outrage coming from a pack of American hot dogs. Sara Lee, manufacturer of Ball Park franks, has filed a lawsuit against Kraft, maker of Oscar Mayer wieners. Among other things, Kraft is allegedly guilty of false advertising, because its ads proclaim the results of a taste test – a test that conveniently declares its own Oscar Mayer Jumbo Beef dogs the best wieners. Sara Lee maintains that this is “a bunch of baloney”, and wants the ads pulled.
Here in Canada, Shelf Life is all ears. We’re not sure who is behind the taste test, or how it was conducted, but it’s exciting to watch manufacturing titans clashing over the verdict of a product evaluation panel. Perhaps we professional mouthfeelers will become more of a feature in the criminal justice system. And on TV. We could be big. Soon, people like Shelf Life may be regular guests on, say, Law And Order. We can picture ourselves sitting in our expensive offices as the detectives stride in; perhaps we’ll offer them a test can of soup or a tub of margarine, or some cookie dough (detectives: “It’s a bit early in the day for us, thanks”). Later in the show, we might be called to testify in court about a product’s inappropriate starch content or psychotic mealiness or out-of-control xanthan gum. Drng-drng.
But back to the dogs. Shelf Life is pleased to present our totally unbiased meatless wieners taste test. Should there be any controversy over the proceedings, interested parties can find us in our respective back yards with our barbeque’s, drinking a brewski and surrounded by dogs of all varieties. Corporate lawyers are welcome, but please BYOB.
Vowing to speak especially frankly this week are our expert judges: Robert Bartley, executive chef at Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment; writer, cook, and host of CIUT’s Swallow Food Radio on 89.5 fm, Ivy Knight: and Ikeila Wright, owner of One Love Vegetarian Café, all in Toronto. Space limitations prevent us from evaluating every product in a given category; entries reflect the luck of the draw. Items are blind taste tested and awarded between zero and five stars. Two wieners from each brand were prepared; one boiled and one grilled.
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Brand One
Yves Robert: I like all the standard condiments on hot dogs: mustard, relish, a bit of ketchup, chopped onions. And I’d really need them with Brand One. The texture is like baloney, or an English-style wiener, and the outside is blistered. Grilled or boiled, they’re not pretty, to taste or to look at. Ivy: I agree; I couldn’t handle this wiener plain. The boiled one is like a cafeteria dog, pink and mushy-looking and with a very salty flavour, plus some spices thrown in. I really don’t like the texture. Ikeila: Brand One boils up like a typical wiener, but it grills ugly. The boiled one doesn’t have any taste, while the grilled version smells like propane fire, and tastes a bit like propane fire as well. Brand One Total: THREE AND A HALF STARS ***1/2 |
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Brand Two
Tofurky Robert: Visually, these are interesting – cooking them hasn’t caused them to puff up, because they’ve retained their square shapes from the package. The texture is fibrous and a bit dry. After the first taste it’s all downhill from there. Ivy: Both the grilled and the boiled versions taste kinda blah, mostly a salty flavour, and when paired with the condiments they tend to disappear, but I’m not hating them. The grilled ones are better, definitely. At least they’re firm, with a healthy frozen tofu mouthfeel. Ikeila: Grilled or boiled, they both have good texture. I would grill Brand Two and put it in a good bun – buns are key – with some sun dried tomatoes for a bit of kick, together with something green and crunchy, plus grilled hot peppers, and I think vegetarians would quite enjoy them. Brand Two Total EIGHT AND A HALF STARS ********1/2
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Brand Three
President’s Choice Robert: Aiiee! It has its good points, but I would really, really avoid grilling Brand Three; it has turned into leather. Taste-wise both this one and the boiled dog taste of vegetables, and smell like dried beans. On the inside, the texture is more like a typical wiener. Ivy: The grilled one is like …dead man’s finger. It smells like water that beans have been cooked in. I agree that the texture is better than the others, but the taste is chemical warfare. I’d have to pile on the condiments to get through both of these. Ikeila: To me the aroma is hickory-ish; there’s an attempt at smokiness. Brand Three is more like meat inside, it’s not as fibrous as the others. Boiled, it looks like a regular dog. Grilled, it’s rubbery. Brand Three Total SEVEN AND A HALF STARS *******1/2 |
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Brand Four Schneiders Robert: It’s a hollow shell! The interior has separated from the outer part. Brand Four smells overwhelmingly of smoke, and leaves a bad aftertaste. I’d better concentrate on something else …um … At the ACC, we’re currently researching hot dogs. We discovered that Calgary is famous for hot dogs with peanut butter, jam, and Cap’n Crunch cereal. Ivy: There’s a family owned butcher shop in Charlottetown, and the wiener they make, which is fantastic, is called the Ugly Dog, because it doesn’t have nitrates in it, therefore it’s gray and not pink. I don’t know what’s in Brand Four but both of them really are ugly. The grilled version smells like a campfire and right now it’s destroying my palate. Ikeila: In terms of taste, I’m going to sit this one out, because I’m told the package may contain egg white powder, and I’m a vegan. So Brand Four is not vegan-friendly. I’ll give it one star for its nice smoke smell when grilled. Brand Four Total ONE STAR * |
Results: Tofurky brand was judged the best of a disappointing-to-awful bunch; none of them delivered the satisfactions of a conventional wiener. Overall, the panel was straining at the leash for the distractions of condiments.
Off The Menu: According to press reports, Sara Lee is also challenging Oscar Mayer’s 100% beef claims. Probably we can all imagine the proceedings in court, with graphic discussions of offal and testimonies about acceptable levels of insect bits. In the light of such grim reality, Shelf Life would ordinarily feel smug about choosing a vegetable wiener over an old-school flesh pup. But then we realized how much salt is in these meatless substitutes. Taken together with relish, ketchup, and the other irresistible add-ons, a veggie dog – probably any hot dog – easily exceeds the recommended daily intake of sodium. Add a few potato chips and you’re a goner. Shelf Life has resolved the dilemma. From now on, we will try to (a) regard a hot dog as a treat, and not a summer staple; or (b) avoid the whole headache-inducing realm of meat and meat substitutes altogether, and instead pile our plates with the one item at the barbeque we can trust: onions.
